Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
