I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
