My sheets look like a crime scene.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
