Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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