Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize