no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
