Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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