How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
