I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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