grandma shit on top of the toilet
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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