I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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