do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
