I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize