I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
