this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
