someone owes me an orgasm
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
