Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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