WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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