I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Let's get the cat blown out
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize