i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
