in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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