He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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