I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Randomize
