i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
