i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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