The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
