But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
They took my balls.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize