Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize