you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just gargled with NyQuil
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
