We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
