At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize