Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
