don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
