the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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