The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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