Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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