You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
