One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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