$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
