sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
