I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
