Betty ford says i'm here all night
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Let's get the cat blown out
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
