yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
