how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
