Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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