Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
