Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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