I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
