just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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