Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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