I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
