So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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