Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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