I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Let's paint friendship bongs
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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