I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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