sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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