If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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