SEEEEXXX PLEASE
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
