I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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