don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
